


I Just Wanted to Hold on to You

by aethkr



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: AND IM STILL CRYING, Angst, Crying, F/F, I am, I mean, am i the only one crying?, i got some tissues, so i better get some tissues, tbh, tbh i think the ending line is killer, this hurts bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 21:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12993282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethkr/pseuds/aethkr
Summary: Why do people have to go away so soon? Don’t you see how the very death of someone can cause another to break? It can cause another to cry, to break down, to shatter into a million pieces without any hope of putting each other back again."Don't they know how much it hurts?"





	I Just Wanted to Hold on to You

_“Death is such a simple word, yet holds so many things that we cannot even explain.”_

Chika stood still, earlier events playing repeatedly in her head. Whatever she did, she couldn’t shake it off. The overwhelming guilt and the sorrow, it was too much to handle. It’s like being torn into two separate pieces. A person would usually flinch to the pain, being ripped alive wasn’t the best way to die. Though even if Chika was being mentally torn into two pieces, even if she felt like her heart was breaking every step she took forward, she didn’t care. Chika didn’t flinch, she didn’t move, she didn’t scream.

_She is too tired.._

_..too hurt.._

_..too broken.._

She doesn’t care.

What do you do when you see your best friend die, in front of your very eyes. It was as if time stopped for a moment, allowing Chika to see the damage she has caused. Maybe if she only followed her directions, maybe if she didn’t act too foolishly, maybe….just _maybe_ she would’ve still been alive.

And Chika wouldn’t be eaten by the guilt and remorse every day.

 

All Chika wanted was to have fun. It’s part of her personality. It’s one of her quirks. Being happy was her trademark, and slowly, it’s being taken away without mercy. Her mind was filled with thoughts of accusations. Her heart filled with the pain that she couldn’t release. Her mind was hurting, her heart was hurting. She is hurting.

She wanted to be free of the chains yet how could she when she herself threw away the key? She locked herself to this guilt, and it’s staying forever.

Why do people have to go away so soon? Why do people leave when they’re at their peak? Do they not know how much pain they cause?! The grief, the sorrow, the guilt, the pain, it’s all crashing in and it’s getting more difficult to handle! It’s like carrying something already heavy only for things to keep on stacking above it! Don’t you see how the very death of someone can cause another to break? It can cause another to cry, to break down, to shatter into a million pieces without any hope of putting each other back again.

_Don’t they know how much it hurts?_

——

 

“Riko-chan?” Riko let out a sigh of relief when her eyes noticed Chika. The girl has been really miserable since…well…. _that_. “Are you still awake?”

“Yes I am,” Riko replied, going outside to the balcony to meet Chika’s eyes. They seem so bright, full of color, but be careful, once you stare to much, all you see is a dead person inside. “What’s wrong?”

“Why…..do.....” Chika started to tear up and Riko couldn’t feel anything else but sympathy for the girl. The accident has affected everyone severely, but it hit Chika the hardest. “….people….die?”

Why do people die? Riko couldn’t understand the question herself. She couldn’t understand why a being that could fulfill so many things has to be stopped. Death is such a simple word, yet holds so many things that we cannot even explain.

Riko looked around, searching desperately for an answer. There are times where Chika would ask her something but Riko would never find an answer for it, but now, although she may not know the real reason, she has to find a sufficient response. Chika looks so desperate, it’s the least she can do.

“Maybe because….” Riko pauses for a moment, trying to buy herself some time. “……maybe because their purpose in life has been fulfilled and the gods above has come to retrieve them.”

“So does that mean Yō-chan’s mission was to save me?” Chika’s eyes brightened, even if it was just for a second. “Does that mean she died because she was supposed to save me? To allow me to live?”

Riko liked Chika’s conclusion. Yes, Yō died to save Chika. Yes, Yō died to allow Chika to keep on moving forward, but there is something about “allowing her to live” that sounds off. As if Yō purposely threw herself in front of Chika so that Chika could continue living. It was as if Yō’s life held less significance, even if it’s not true.

“I can’t say f-f-for sure.” Riko started to tear up as well. She looked up to the moon. “Maybe Yō’s purpose in life i-i-is different, maybe…….she wasn’t…..meant to die.. At least…n-not so soon..”

She found herself denying Yō’s death. Surely her purpose in life was to succeed her father as a sailor right? Or maybe….maybe…..to become a national athlete or better yet, an _international_ athlete. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to die, maybe accidents _do_ happen.

“Wouldn’t that b-be sad?”

“Huh?”

“To think someone so ra-radiant, someone so caring, someone who didn’t even d-deserve this at all!—“ Chika slammed her fist to the wall, causing a loud ‘thud!’. “To think that someone so young, someone so full of life, d-dead. In a matter of seconds.”

“That’s life a-as it is isn’t it?”

“I just wanted to hold on to her.”

“Hm?”

 

Riko looked at Chika and saw her crying. Tears running down her cheeks filled with pain that she has bottled up since then. Feelings that she has kept inside now running out the door. Everything that she kept in, she’s finally letting out.

“ **I just wanted to hold on to her! I just wanted to be with her, to smile with her, to play with her, to do everything I could possibly do with her! I didn’t want her to die! Just like that! All I want was to see her smile and say, “everything’s going to be alright” even though I know it’s not going to be and it will never ever be! The feeling of her leaving was like a part of me has left! I want her back so much but it’s just like reaching for the sun, _get closer and closer and you’ll only get hurt_. The more I believe she is alive, the more I torture myself with this pain. The more I believe she is dead, the more I torment myself with this guilt. **

**All I wanted was to hold on to her… I wanted to show her how much I cared, how much I _care_. She fell down and I couldn’t even use MY OWN TWO HANDS to pick her back up! What kind of friend am I?! I left her on the ground and she died. She didn’t even look at me, all she cared was that I was going to see another day, even if it meant that she wouldn’t be able to…..not anymore.** ”

It’s a heartbreaking sight. Yō’s death affected us so much. She didn’t care about her own welfare. She didn’t care about anything else, all she did was push Chika out of the way, ensuring Chika will see the sunrise.

But it was at the cost of life, but she still did it anyway..

 

“ **And Riko…** _I really, **really** love her too…….”_

**Author's Note:**

> sad? sad? sad?
> 
> sad. sad. sad.
> 
> basically im saying that i really hate that last line because it always gets to me


End file.
